I remember I would always counter her points by saying things like “well if I hadn’t” and “No, I could’ve done _ and it wouldn’t have happened.” She tried to get me to see what he was doing, but I couldn’t. I got so low at one point that I had to start seeing a therapist. He told a friend that “if she really loved me, she would’ve told me ‘no’ when I asked to not use a condom that night.” I honestly think that God was trying to give me the heads up because my husband butt dialed me accidentally when talking to his friend. He didn’t want kids but was unwilling to accept his part in my getting pregnant. No…, when I got pregnant is when it was the worst. Withdrawn, crying all the time, not eating…it hurt the worst the first few times. The first few times he did this, I was a complete wreck. My husband uses the silent treatment when he feels like he’s not being heard. It’s a way to inflict pain but without the physical marks.īeing noticed is so close to being loved, that sometimes they feel the same. Silence can feel like a dignified, high road response but it’s not. There is nothing subtle about a physical or verbal lashing, but an accusation of the silent treatment, ‘Are you ignoring me?’ can easily be denied. Generally, it’s called on as the weapon of choice because it’s powerful and it’s easy to get away with. Nobody engages the silent treatment expecting it to damage the relationship, and that’s the danger. Williams suggests that instead of reverting to the silent treatment, try ‘I can’t talk to you right now, but we can talk about it later.’ The silent treatment should not be confused with taking time to cool down after heated or difficult exchange. It’s the pattern itself that’s the problem, not the specific partner. It doesn’t matter which partner demands or which one withdraws, the damage to the relationship is the same. When couples become locked in this ‘demand-withdraw’ pattern, the damage can be both emotional and physiological include anxiety and aggression as well as erectile dysfunction and urinary and bowel problems. The other will accuse his or her partner of being too demanding or critical. ‘Both partners see the other as the problem.’ One partner will typically complain that the other is emotionally unavailable. ‘Partners get locked in this pattern, largely because they each see the other as the cause,’ explains Schrodt. It’s an incredibly hard pattern to break because both partners lay the blame at the feet of the other. ‘It’s the most common pattern of conflict in marriage or any committed, established romantic relationship,’ says Schrodt. It decreases relationship satisfaction for both partners, diminishes feelings of intimacy, and reduces the capacity to communicate in a way that’s healthy and meaningful. Paul Schrodt, PhD, Professor of Communication Studies reviewed 74 relationship studies which involved more than 14,000 participants.įindings from his in-depth analysis revealed that the silent treatment is ‘tremendously’ damaging to a relationship. The silent treatment happens when one partner pressures the other with requests, criticism or complaints and the other responds with silence and emotional distance. The initial pain is the same, regardless of whether the exclusion is by strangers, close friends or enemies. The silent treatment, even if it’s brief, activates the anterior cingulate cortex – the part of the brain that detects physical pain. The ability to detect ostracism is hardwired in us – it doesn’t matter if you’re being ignored by a group or a person you can’t stand, the pain still registers. Kipling Williams, a Professor of Psychology at Purdue University who has studied ostracism for twenty years, explains, ‘Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realise the emotional or physical harm that is being done.’ The silent treatment can tend to present itself as a response more fitting of the ‘high road’, one of grace and dignity, but research has shown it is anything but. The key to being closer in the good times lies in the way a couple treats each other during the bad. The best predictor of divorce isn’t whether a couple fights – arguments are inevitable – but how a couple fights. Research has shown that the act of ignoring or excluding activates the same area of the brain that is activated by physical pain. The silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without visible bruising – literally.
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